Am I Still a Loser? (dealing with my own trauma)

That Sunday afternoon the wind blew softly caressed my body as I came to a jogging track, one of my favorite place in the inner city. The weather was nice, it doesn’t rain, the clouds protected me from the sun rays like a giant umbrella, such a perfect day for jogging.

I stretched my legs and arms, it wasn’t really crowded because a lot of people prefer to jog in the morning. After warmed up my body, I began to jog slowly, and accelerated my pace along the way. I was thinking about something, and then suddenly my heart pounded faster even before I finished a single lap, my muscles got tired, I was disoriented and anxious. An inexplicable worries came through my mind, a series of past events relived like an old movie.

I can’t explain the pain, it was a sadness, an anxiety, an embarrassment, a painful nostalgia…

At that moment I realized something; my past trauma was triggered, I didn’t even know that I have such a thing named trauma.

The Trigger

I went to the jogging track for a reason, the place was actually a public facility where there was a running track too, I intended to practice my running and my physical endurance.

I planned to apply to an institution that required a physical test such as running, pull ups, push ups, sit ups, etc. I never expected this kind of test, I thought that there would be only an intelligent exam or something like that.

It’s hard to admit, that I actually had always been a loser when it came to sports or athletic when I was in school.

Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, I excel at science, language, music and another subject, and sports was my weakness. I never knew why, I was clumsy, slower and weaker than my peers, I was humiliated by my classmates and even my sports teacher said mean words toward me in front of everyone, they laughed at me, I thought that I was such a loser.

The Trauma

In Elementary School, my peers humiliated me, laughed at me and made fun of me in every sports class, that made me hate the subject so much. It didn’t motivate me to be better, but the opposite happened.

In Middle School my classmates’ humiliation became less and less, maybe because they respected me because I was a smart student, but my teacher was unbearable, he teased me and another weak students, yelled at me with swearing words, emphasizing my inability and my weakness. I always hate Sports class, It was always embarrassing for me, I rather threw myself into a deep hole and disappear rather than spend another minute of irritating Sports’ teacher. I pray and cried at night before every sports class, asked God to gave me mercy so my friends didn’t humiliate me, and to gave me strength to go through it all.

In High School, I continued to became a smart student, even better, I engaged in a music club and Student’s politics, that resulted in a greater respect from my peers and teachers, I didn’t get bullied even though I couldn’t change the fact that I was still weak and, well, disappointing, people were nicer to me, but I couldn’t change the fact that I still dumb at Sports, I was slow, disengaged and uninterested, I didn’t like the subject even though I no longer hated it.

Last week I went to a gym,

It was Saturday, so there’s not a lot of people coming, only five or six people there. I made an appointment with a personal trainer, I told him that I wanted to learn how to do pull ups, I only have a month, he said that I need at least three months of training before I can do a proper pull ups. The first day was tough, but I enjoyed it, the trainer was nice, he seemed experienced. The next two days I couldn’t move my arms, they were stiff, painful and uncomfortable, but I think to myself that it’s a good pain. Pull ups were so much harder than I expected.

Several days later I came back to the gym in a week day after work, it was so crowded, and one personal trainer had to handle five or six members at a time with a different work out method. so the progress were slow, and crowded place was rather uncomfortable, especially when people were sweating and compete for oxygen.

I was struggling, my trainer had been so patient to me and encouraged me, but I heard a woman said something, she frowned at me, watched me in confusion because I was weaker than her, and said “why?”

That triggered me, I felt discouraged, I couldn’t continue the session because my head was full of unpleasant triggered memories. I told my trainer that I couldn’t stay too long that night, we ended the session and then he talked to me, asked me if I exercised at home, I said no, I told him that my arms were stiff and couldn’t be moved for two or three days, he asked me why, I thought he knew that it’s normal for someone who never exercised before would get their muscles ached for the following days.

He smiled wryly, shook his head, and said that I had no potential, I smiled because I wasn’t surprised….

I knew that I would never come back to that gym anymore, I’m on my own.

Back in the running field when I had to deal with my painful memories that kept coming back no matter how hard I tried to distract my thought.

Dealing with a painful trauma is easier said than done.

At first I never knew that I had a trauma until I experienced it firsthand. It was a horrible psychological torture, it also affected my performance at work, I lose my focus, I lost my motivation, I was so anxious that even a small sound made me nervous, a ring of an incoming call was the worst of all, a small task feels like a torment, I hated my office for no reason, I wanted to hide and cry.

I can’t afford to distance myself with the world and focus on my mental health, I had a work to do, I have deadlines and people who need me, I have a physical test in less than a month that I want to pass. Focus solely on my mental health would be a selfish act, even though it’s important, I can’t. I wish I could.

I can’t sleep because I’m worrying if I can’t pass the test and if everyone looked at me as a loser and laughed at me, I don’t want to be humiliated anymore, I don’t want to be a loser anymore, I want to be strong, but at the same time I knew my limitation, I could never be a superman overnight.

I wish I will find a way to deal with this.

Make it my own !

I just found out that beside of long blogs, I can also add Statuses, Quotes, Videos, Audios, Links and Galleries in here, I’m so excited to improve my blog, my writing quality and my life in general. I can add anything that I want to make my blog more personal, I’m so happy about this,

Premonition of Someone’s Death

As long as I can remember, I have been highly sensitive with spiritual energy since I was little, very intuitive although when I was a kid I did not know what it means, and I just thought that everybody was experiencing the same.

But predicting someone’s death is new to me, something that I developed recently, I think it’s been a year, more or less, as I broaden my spiritual knowledge and experience, I can differ what kind of energy I am sensing, I am not perfect, though, still learning.

When someone is dying, the subtle energy around them is shifting, It affects people that they’ve encountered, and therefore, a highly sensitive person can read, see, hear or sense the subtle energy that they’ve brought.

Last year, I was feeling very heavy and eerie, and then I heard that my neighbor was brought with an ambulance and went to a hospital, at that moment I knew that somebody was going to die. I was so sure.

Three hours later, I heard someone screaming and crying in my neighbor’s house after receiving a phone call to inform the death. Wow, I was amazed, I even did not know very well the deceased person to receive such subtle spiritual information.

Months ago, my friend sent me a picture of her with our mutual friend who was hospitalized, the following night, I could not sleep and keep thinking about death. Days later, my friend told me that our sick friend was gone.

It also happened recently when my Boss’s mother is dead, and his mother in law who passed away two months before. It creeped me out!! But also fascinated me to know that I didn’t even know these people!

When it comes to death, usually the subtle information would only be felt by the closest relative or friends of the deceased. But at this point, I too could sense it.

Of course, I did not tell anybody about my premonition. I don’t want to scare anybody, I also want to keep this psychic stuff to myself, as long as I can, I don’t want people to know that I am a psychic, I don’t want them to test me to convince themselves, or asked to perform any shamanic job that I could not. Every psychic person is different and also hold various mission.

But it keeps me wonder, why do I have this? Because now I am more developed than I was last year, I believe.

Maybe there is more to it, right? I know that I did not have this for nothing. But I can’t tell anybody about it either, It feels so wrong to tell someone that their loved one will die soon.

For now, I take this blessing as a constant reminder that someday I’m gonna die too. Therefore, I should live my life to the fullest, to live as I believe, to do valuable things that I want to do, not what is acceptable or what other people’s expect me to do.

Death, as frightening as it might seem, it also a fascinating journey, that someday will knock our door, whether we are ready or not.

The uneasiness of facing the change.

Nothing remains the same forever in this universe, the only thing that is constant in this world is the change itself.

Sometimes, changes are happening gradually without being realised, other times things have changed suddenly and shocked us in many different ways.

Our environment has changed, we lose our job, our coworker that has become a close friend resigned, we lose somebody we used to love, we move to another place, people who we considered in our close circle are not the same anymore.

Inside each and every one of us is changing too, we are no longer feel the same toward people who we love so dearly, we lose interest in the matter that used to excite us, every life event will affect the way we view the world, we change our philosophy, our life direction, and we begin to question everything.

Some people are not ready to face a change, including me, it makes me feel vulnerable, especially when it comes to people who are close to me, I feel so lonely when I know that my best friends were not mine anymore, my coworker soon would leave the company, and so on.

This is because I feel comfortable with things that familiar. I feel somewhat lost because I’m not the same person who I used to be.

After I read so many uplifting articles about change and videos on YouTube too, I knew that I have to be open to change, what might work yesterday, maybe not work today. God blessed me with many things in the past, and tomorrow there will be another blessing.

Life is a continuous flow and change is inevitable, I should note that.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes, feel the wind of change.

Wake up feeling depressed

I wake up late this morning and consequently went late to work. In the shower I keep thinking about why am I like this, instead of hurried up and run.

I have no apparent reason to wake up late, I sleep well like usual, with the usual dose of neighbour’s disturbance, I woke up at 6 AM and fall asleep again, usually, I rose at 8 and prepared to go to work. But this time I woke up around 9.30 AM and surprisingly didn’t felt guilty at all. Instead, I keep wondering.

It happened before… three years ago with my first job, and it triggered me to quit my job. I wonder if this is a sign for me to look for another job or something else? to contemplate my life’s direction?

Well, I don’t hate my job, I like it and grateful for it.

But somehow I hate it every morning that I woke, I feel that my nights were not so significant and look like that today is just another yesterday. Sounds like an invisible loop that I want to escape. I didn’t feel like living in the moment. I hated weekday and I can’t wait for the weekend, but also frustrated when I realized that Sunday will be followed by Monday.

I had been in prolonged unemployment, and I always felt irritated when people on social media talked about weekdays-weekend, “I hate Monday” or “thank God it’s Friday”, I felt so envy because at least they have a job to say sort of thing that they should be grateful of.

But now I can feel the irony of this whole “job-hating” thing

I am not sure whether this is only a phase because I am currently living from paycheck to paycheck and get depressed because I run out of money way before the next paycheck? or is there something profound about it and there is more to it than usual boredom?

My daily job is sometimes tiring and hectic, sometimes it was boring and I have nothing else to be done besides checking emails. I am grateful for this job, I have time to read a couple of pages of the novel that I borrowed from a local library every now and then. But I keep feeling this way, I feel uneasy every morning no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it’s been a week and more.

However, before I started this job, I have committed to secure this job at least one and a half year, to build my resume, and to pursue my main agenda.

Free Food

“Sunny,

happy with the music no money

i’m thinking you on holiday

sipping your lemonade”

(Song by Alexandra Stan – Lemonade

Here we go again, doing something that I did last year; Looking for free food.

There was a local event when I could get free food not far from my old neighborhood, but five and a half miles from where I live currently. I walked for more than five and a half miles to get there because I have no money to ride a bus, It took more than two hours to get there, and two and a half hours to went home because I felt my leg hurt on the way home, especially my hip joint, therefore I should walk slowly.

At first, I didn’t like long distance walking, I felt miserably poor when I did this, but it’s been the fifth time I did this, so I was kind of used to it, it’s not as bad as I thought, though.

It felt so good when I arrived at the event, they had my favorite junk food and all, and I brought some food for later. It also felt so good and very nostalgic to be there, I remember what I used to did in previous years, I remember when I was homeless but full of faith that God will feed me no matter what. Being homeless was a great experience for me, it taught me a bunch of wisdom to have faith in any situation, a kind of experience that I don’t want to repeat, nonetheless. Maybe I should write a blog about it later. Dealing with memories of hard time is never been easy.

I am not homeless anymore, I have a job, I have a dwelling, but somehow it feels like the old days, I felt like a homeless because I couldn’t afford food and decent transportation mode. am I failed? am I repeating the same mistake? am I live in a loop? am I not learned the lesson? what am I doing wrong? I need more time to contemplate it.

But to think that I made a mistake twice make me feeling useless, it’s not the first time that I am “not learning”. I realize that it’s frustrating to repeat the same mistake again and I don’t want to do this anymore in the future.

I have time to improve myself, and also to create a strategy to reach my goals, even though it’s rather hard to do this with so much worries about survival and basic needs, now I understand how poor people out there could not find a way out poverty, because it’s hard to think clearly with an empty belly.

Should I ask for more?

Releasing the ‘burdens’ of your heart will be extremely important in the next few weeks and months.

It’s raining outside, I am listening to a song that remind me to a tragic drama that I watched when I was younger. I am still not used to this, to release any burden in my heart, I think I need more than a cup of coffee and a good music. It’s a bit hard to release things from my heart one by one when there are a lot of things that had been occupied my mind lately.

I got money issue, again, I am so sure that I bought nothing expensive this month, I only ordered a cup of soup at the restaurant the day I got paid, I didn’t buy any skincare or costly stuff or indulgence that I used to bought, but yet it is not enough.

I spent nights thinking what am I doing wrong? is it me who failed to manage my expenses? or is it actually just not enough?

But mysteriously, I always eat everyday nevertheless, I am never starving although I have zero money on my wallet, in the past three days, some friend always offer me food and I can drink water freely from my office. God is showing me that God is forever loving and I should trust Him/Her/it more. that everything is going to be alright.

Or Is it?

Or is God show me anything else? that I should ask and seek for more? Last night I had a really weird and intriguing dream. I was dreaming of hitchhiking a van to go somewhere, when I hopped in the car, there were three men who spat me, I want to hit them but I choose to be kind to them since I need the ride.

And then I am dreaming of dropping my phone three times, the third time it was broken, but surprisingly only the outer was broken, the actual screen was alright, I just needed to change the phone case.

When I was thinking about these, the three men and three times dropping phone are somehow represent my Job. I am currently doing my third job. I am not sure about its meaning, could it mean that I this is a bad job and I should looking for another one, or should I maintain it when thing goes wrong?

I like this job, but it’s not enough. Is it wrong to ask for more.

I am very grateful to have this job that help me pay the bills, feed me and give me a sense of worthiness. But like my first job, It’s not enough.

But I feel bad if I ask for more, is it bad? am I ungrateful? or is it good and what I should ask and seek?

Start all over again

The hardest part of blogging or journalling is to write everyday, not because a lack of ideas, but the confusion to convert thoughts into words.

So many things going on, I begin to re-awaken my Kundalini after three months of “not doing any spiritual practice, not even a meditation”. it felt hot and pleasant, I am grateful that my dormant serpent is slowly awaken again.

But like the other day, I always questioning what is the purpose behind all of this thing, why am I doing this? What is my main intention?

I want to develop my psychic ability, I want to dive into the unknown, the esotheric realm, I want to have a better living.

And I am not naive to think that Kundalini will answer everything, I know.

I heard that we create our own reality, with or without Kundalini, and I also heard that Kundalini will do nothing without prior knowledge and practise in spirituality. Sometimes I am sceptical in doing this, but I know I should do this without thinking about the result, I should have zero expectation. But I also want to aim the highest good.

I look forward to see any change in my life, although I had seen several signs about change.

Fake best friend

I’m only have two close friends, they are not acquainted, one of them is very special for me, we share the same value and we also love spirituality, we shared a lot, we laugh and cry together and have bitter and sweet memories together, and always cherish them.

I’m going to talk about my other best friend. I often doubt our friendship, we argued last night, which seems normal because friends supposed to argued a lot, but no, we are not normal, We never argued before, we were closed for five years but we never argued. And what she did to me last night was unthinkable.

 She talked to me to ask for advices, and I kindly and rather harshly give me my opinion which was the opposite of her point of view. She was in another city for a competition, she said that her colleagues did this and that to her that made her uncomfortable and she wanted to go home.

“No.” I said, “don’t do that, you will only make yourself such a loser, like you always did in high school, please don’t go home right now, just enjoy your time and ignore them…” And so on and so forth, I wasted my time to give her my opinion about what she is going to do next.

And then she replied “Okay, do you know how to ride a bus to go home from here?”

And then I was like, what the fuck?!!

She didn’t listen, of course she heard, but she didn’t take my advice into her consideration, and she made that too obvious to the point that I realized everything.

She never listened…

That moment made me flashback to so many advices I gave to her with all of my kind intention, that she never took what I said seriously, she never did what I told her to do when she asked for my opinion, what’s the point in asking, then?! She could have just do her things as she wish without waste my precious time to give her attentions that she didn’t deserve, I feel unheard, and begin to questioning this friendship.

She doesn’t need me, and I think I don’t need her either.

Maybe this is what they said about “Let go of things and relationships that no longer serve you”

I think I am too comfortable with this so called friendship that actually pointless and time and money consuming.

She didn’t reply to my previous message. Okay, great.

It’s hard for me, but I also don’t want to be in a fake and pointless friendship.

It’s easy to worry about things that not yet here.

Anticipation, sometimes I thought it only means to prepare for the worst, but I was wrong, it also means “I know the worst will come and I should do something about it”.

Or does it “Mitigating”?

Pfft… Mitigating? Well, I think that word suits my current condition. But surprisingly I didn’t feel as miserable as I used to feel, I’m feeling enjoying this thing, not that I like being emotionally tortured like a masochist, but, whining and crying and swearing around would never solve the problem.

I must admit that the fear is still there, the fear that what I did would never enough, or would bring me to a bigger problem. And I feel a little bit consumed with my own thoughts of planning, seems like I can’t find the best plan, so I just going to let it flow, let it be.

I feel better now. I can react better to every challenge that arrives. I think they’re right, I should face my biggest fear, embrace it, and it will dissolve.

Is fear an illusion, then?